My heart breaks for you. This isn’t what you wanted or what I wanted. And it is completely out of our hands. Let me hold you, love. Let me hold you while you cry, while you curse, while you run worries around your head so much that you don’t know where to begin with how to fix what you think is broken.
But we are not broken, love.
You are not broken.
I am here for you and with you, through the thick and through the thin, through the hard times and the good times, through the shitty times and the joyous times. I love you, and that is what matters. I love you through our troubles, through our failures, through our struggles, through every moment of this life together.
Take a breath. We’ll be better than okay.
I hope you’re still at the point where venting will help. Vent away, babe. I’m here to listen to you complain about whatever. If you’re not at that point anymore, if you’re being just talking it out, then I’ll snuggle with you, I’ll cuddle with you, I’ll buy you ice cream and watch you play mindless video games that involve a ton of violence.
I just want to make you feel better. I want to make you feel like you’re worth it. I want to make you feel as though someone is always there for you, that you’re emotions are exactly what they are, emotions and you’re entitled to them. You’re allowed to be upset with whatever, you’re allowed to have a bad day here and there, you’ll allowed to feel crappy sometimes. It’s a natural part of life and living.
But I don’t want you to stay there. I want you to get better and to feel better. I want you to move on and toward something else, something that’s better. I want you to feel good about yourself and who you are as a person, the person I love and adore so much.
So if you’re having a bad day, remember tomorrow is a new day, and tomorrow is a brilliant day. When the sun rises in the east, the slate has been wiped clean, and your new day can begin.
I know you get nervous, babe. You always get anxious, especially about certain things like school. I want you to take a few deep, calming breaths. Close your eyes and focus only on you and God for a moment. I want you to breathe in God’s presence and let it calm you, relax you, ease your mind and your troubles.
Pray. Send up a little prayer to God, say it out loud or silently. Be in an open presence with God and let God take all your worries away. Let God swoop down and save the day and calm you down in ways only God can.
When you’re all done with that, go back to whatever you were doing. I imagine and I know that you’ll feel so much better just for taking that little bit of time to be in communion with our Creator. I know your nerves will be eased and your heart will ease; I know you’ll be able to focus more on what you need to focus on. So take the extra time to do it.
I love you, forever and ever.
I think it’s ironic that on this day, a day I should need a laugh the most, this is the topic I chose months ago. We’re already so in tune! I don’t even know where to begin. I could tell you a few jokes, but they would probably be lame and not as funny as I think they are. Besides, it’s a lot funnier if I get to tell them in person.
If you really want to smirk and giggle at something, remember that time when we were in Montana, and my mom was there, and she put cortisone cream on her toothbrush instead of toothpaste and then proceeded to try and brush her teeth for a few quick seconds? Oh yeah, that was funny.
I know that’s make fun of other people and it’s a bit tasteless, but damn it was funny. I think I had tears in my eyes for like an hour afterward. When you need a laugh, love, go turn on some movie you’ll know I’ll hate because of the type of humor and watch it. In fact, do a marathon of those types of movies. You can use this note as a one-day free pass to watch them in my presence so long as you don’t expect me to pay attention to them as well!
It’s not simple to worry or work through this one. It’s complicated and scary. Very scary for me and probably for you. When you have doubts about us, everything compounds and it’s hard to get out of that thinking. All I can do is to ask you to remember why you thought we could work.
Focus on the good, the things we do well together, the complements we make to each other. There are many that I can think of off the top of my head. We’re extremely supportive of each other. We know what it’s like to live in hardship, and we know we don’t want that for our future.
We know that we each love each other, that this marriage thing was a big deal for both of us. We had given up on ever finding the one, of ever saying wedding vows, of ever being in a relationship long term. Both of us had given up on that dream. Yet, here we are, barely a year from meeting, married and living a life exactly how we want to live it.
We share dreams. We share ideas for the future. We share goals. We share a love so great it’s hard to knock down. Remember that I love you with my whole heart, love you like have I have never loved anyone else. And you may have doubts, but I hope and pray that your doubts will vanish in the face of what we can build together.
This one isn’t easy. I’ve watching you in faith since we’ve known each other, and I’ve seen you grow so much. Partly it might be because of my job, but I don’t ever want my work to force you to have doubts. You’ll readily see the good and the bad about faith if you stand by me.
But I’ve watched you. I’ve seen you go from being a person of faith in belief only to a person of action. I watched you be baptized. A little over a year ago from my writing it. And it was beautiful to watch. You changed so much when you emerged from those waters. You had a smile on your face the entire night that you couldn’t get rid of. You had this essence about you that was bursting at the seams with light.
Then on top of that, you want to be involved. And I can’t think it’s just me and my work. You want to be doing something, to be helping out at church in some way. It doesn’t seem to be because you think it’s your responsibility, but you genuinely want to be doing God’s work.
You are doing it. You’re doing it every day when you support me, when you support your coworkers. When you listen to everyone complain, with every face you see come into your job and they know you are a person of faith. You are doing exactly what God asks of each and one of God’s believers.
Your faith has grown exponentially. That means doubts will creep in, but try not to fear them or worry them too much. Doubts are a part of faith, and I know yours is strong.
Babe, don’t worry. I got this one. I know EXACTLY where you place is. It’s right here. See? Right here! Right next to me. Side by side, we have found our place together.
Neither one of us is in front of the other. We’re not the leader or the follower. In some things yes, but together, together we walk the journey in this life. And I saved you a spot. I wanted to save it for you because you are the perfect piece to my puzzle.
Your place is with me, just as much as my place is with you. Life doesn’t seem quite right when you’re not around and not in it.
It’s okay to give up. It’s okay to say you can’t do something anymore. It’s okay when the dream you had isn’t exactly the reality you found. It’s hard, and it’s not easy. But I will support you in any and all changes you feel you need to make to your life.
If you feel like giving up and it’s something you don’t want to give up on, then power through it. Find that stamina and that stubbornness I know you have deep down inside you and grasp onto it. Hold it. Keep it. Don’t let it go. That is what’s going to get you through.
But don’t be afraid. I’m right here with you. Through every step, every change, every moment of hesitation. I’m right here for you. To talk it out, to listen, to be the support you need. Just let me know.
I want to snuggle with you. Wrap my arms around your middle and press my head to your chest. I want to entwine our legs together and hold on tightly, not letting go for hours. You are my one and only. I can’t tell you that enough.
You’re the only one I want and the only one I have ever wanted. All those years without you, all those relationships, I was just searching for something I didn’t know I needed. And I need you. You’re it for me. No matter what, I love you.
You’re the love of my life. Remember that. I found you and you found me, and together we’ll be. Through good times and bads. You are the love I never thought I needed to seek, the love I never thought I would have. You’re the one who changed everything.
When you love someone, it changes everything. And you did that. So let me do that for you.
I love you, babe. I love you from east to west, from north to south, from the ends of the earth to the center. I love you no matter what.
I really wanted to save up enough to put in here so you could buy a ticket to wherever I was. But you know me…not my style. Physical distance is not something you and I deal with easily. We can handle it for a few days, maybe close to a week, but anything longer and it’s really hard for us to be apart.
I’m not sure why other than we are such an integral part of each other that we need the other to function. I love you, more than you will ever know. We’ve done six weeks apart from each other and that was the longest and hardest time we’ve had yet. Remember?
It wasn’t easy, but we got through it. And it was fantastic to see you walking up to my deck and to know you weren’t leaving again. Six weeks of hardship so we could be together for the rest of our lives. Physical distance is hard to work with, it’s hard to keep in touch when we can’t touch. It’s hard to remember what it’s like to kiss you after so many days of going without.
But we will be together again. It’s inevitable. You and I will always and forever be together.
You remember when we first met? I was sitting against the cement wall at Fireside Pies, waiting for you because you were late. Who knew that would be something I should remember about you for the future? Anyway, do you remember it? When I was on the phone talking to Katherine and you were walking up to me in sandals and a button down? Who would have thought that we would be where we are today?
I mean, I never expected to fall so deeply in love with you. I never thought I was capable of such a deep emotion, but you pulled it right out of me. You dragged it out from somewhere, I’ve no idea where, but you found it. I never thought I would fall in love with you. I never thought I would be making a life with you in the middle of nowhere either.
I just never thought of the future quite like the way I do now until I met you. And our future is going to be fantastic, babe. I can’t wait to experience it with you.
Let me know, baby. Let me know and I’ll take care of you. I’ll make you elbows and special soup, and chicken and dumplings (because that’s your thing not mine). I’ll get you medicine and tuck you in. We’ll watch whatever you want to watch on television.
I want you to feel better. You can sleep in the bed too, let me sleep on the couch because I know you don’t want to get me sick too. I’ll tuck you in and make sure you get all better. You need to feel better, baby, because frankly, you’re no fun when you’re sick. But who is really?
By the way, next time you’re not sick, you need to write down the chicken and dumpling recipe so I actually know how to make it.
It’s okay to vent, and I want you to vent, but do remember there’s a time when anger doesn’t do anything for you, when you just have to let it go and not look at it anymore. There comes a time when anger is no longer useful.
You might not be at that time right this very moment, so vent some more. Don’t worry, I’ll tell you when it gets excessive. I want you to be comfortable with being angry. I know you struggle with anger sometimes, but I’ll be there to let you know when it’s too much. And let’s face it, I’m not afraid of being blunt or confronting you about it.
Be angry. You usually have a right to it. Be anger and let it breath into your system, and then let it breath out. You can’t be anger forever. It’s just not who you are. So you need to take a step back and look at what’s happening and see if it’s really something that is worth your time and effort over. If it’s not, then let it go.
Also–if you’re still angry with whomever after reading this note, feel free to tear it to shreds and throw it on the ground or burn it in the grill. I have copies; I saved it! So I can always give it to you again.
I’m so sorry, love. I’m sorry this feeling is taking over you. I don’t know what I can do to help other than cuddle you and hold you close. It’s okay to cry. I really do mean that. It doesn’t make you any less of a person to shed the tears. It’s okay to want to be in solitude as well, just let me know.
Whatever you need, I’ll be right there to give it to you. We’re there for each other. That’s why we entered into this relationship and this marriage.
So when you’re sad, love, come to me. Come and let me wipe away your tears, kiss away your fears, and wrap you in warmth and comfort. We’re there for each other, and I want to be there for you as often as I can.
I’ll listen to whatever is on your heart, and I’ll let you talk it out. If you want to remain in silence until you’re ready to explain, I’ll wait. It’s not a matter of fixing the problem; it’s a matter of letting me be present with you. Take a tissue and wave it in the air like a truce. All else will disappear and nothing will be left by you and me and the moment of being present with each other in whatever we are feeling.
Let me be with you when you’re sad, love. It’s the only thing I ask of you.
I love you. I love seeing you smile and those dimples you get in your cheeks. So if you’re really happy and smiling like a maniac, I want you to go find me. Put this letter down, go find me and tell me all about it. Let’s celebrate whatever it is that’s making you happy together.
Let’s get some beer and drink them down, guzzling at least two each. Let’s turn off the television, laugh and talk and get to know each other all over again. Let’s go out to a nice meal dedicated solely to each other and celebrating whatever it is making you oh so happy.
I want to take the time to spend celebrating. It’s important. It’s crucial to remember and uplift the times are good so the bad times don’t seem so terrible. I love you, so much more than you can probably ever imagine, and I want to make this work. I want to make celebrations the majority of what we remember when we look back on our marriage. I want the happy times to severely outweigh the sad and desolate. I want us not to remember fighting but to remember celebrate.
So find me wherever I am, and let me in on the good news. Share with me what you’re feeling and help me to feel it too. Let’s bask in the happiness and let it last as long as it can. These are the moments I want to remember, the ones I want to carry with me through the rest of my life.
These are the moments that make our relationship and that make our love.
I know you get lonely, far more easily than I do. I’m used to being alone and it takes quite a bit of time for my aloneness to turn to loneliness. But for you…you like to have people around. You like to have friends over and to chat and hang out with them far more often than I do.
I know loneliness is going to strike somewhere in this year, probably soon. We just moved to the center of the country, and the nature of my job isolates us from the rest of the town. I apologize. I don’t think I prepared you for that at all. I don’t think I was prepared for it, as loneliness has struck me more often than I thought it would.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I dragged you out here where we really do have to start over again. I’m sorry it means you’ll have to go through these bouts of loneliness that I can only fix so many times. But please do, please let me know when you’re lonely. Let me know so we can try to do something about it. Let me know so we, you and I, can spend some time together to help stave off the effects of loneliness.
I love you, and that’s not something that can fix everything. It’s a hard truth to come by, but it makes me want to try and bring you as much happiness as I can. I love you, so remember that, and tell me when loneliness has you in its claws and we’ll sit down and watch a movie, or go out to dinner together, or go to town and “get wild” with no one around to see us.
It’s very apt that I’m writing this on this particular day. We’ve been married exactly one month today and you are gone for a whole week. I miss you, and I know you miss me. We’ve never had this problem as much now as we did before. Missing you now isn’t like missing you before.
You are my whole life, and I don’t want you to ever think otherwise. You need to continue to be the center of my life. So when you miss me, call me. When you miss me, text me. When you miss me, Facetime me. Let me know just how much you miss me because I guarantee I miss you more.
When you miss me, remember everything fun about when we’re together. Remember how we cuddle and snuggle on the couch in each other’s arms. Remember how I tried to make you get a job so I could have alone time? That’s nothing compared to this. Being gone for days isn’t like being gone for hours.
I miss you, just as much as I’m sure you miss me. We’re too longing hearts, waiting for the other to come back. I never thought we would be as tied together as we are. I’m such an independent person that I thought I could completely go through life without someone else by my side. I truly believed that until I married you. Now…now I’m lost without you. I’m lost when you’re gone. My missing you isn’t simply an ache in my heart, it’s a confusion in my brain. I don’t know where to go when you’re not here.
So think on that, love. Think on that and come back to me soon.
I don’t know if the distance is physical or mental both obviously there is a distance. I’ve gone from you and I don’t know why, and I don’t know how long it’s been. Remember that I do love you, so dearly. I never thought I would get married, truly believed it, until I met you. And as soon as we started dating, I knew where we would end up and I knew it wouldn’t be an easy road.
If you miss me because I’m gone mentally, it’s going to take some time for me to find my way back. I haven’t lived an easy life, and I grew up with depression as my best friend. It’s hard to let it go, but I do try to only visit a few times a year. Remind me of that, remind me that I’ve been down this road before, and remind me that I’m not alone. You missing me in this case, is probably the best thing that could happen because you missing me is what will help me.
If I’m physically gone, that’s tougher. If I’m far away, it’s harder to come see me. If it’s a distance that will end soon, then call me. If it’s a distance that will take a lot of time (like right before we married), then pack your bags and come for a visit. I have no doubt that I’d be missing you just as much.
When you miss me, remember all the good times we had–those times when we couldn’t stop laughing. Remember when we forgot it was our anniversary, went on a date and remembered halfway through it what day it was? Remember when I came home to hundreds of daisies? Remember when we went to Hot Springs and tried to fish in a lake while it was freezing rain out? Remember walking around the gardens in Hot Springs? Remember the concert in Little Rock? Remember going on our first brewery hop together?
Remember our coffee date the morning of our wedding?
Let those fill you up, let them bring me closer to you until I can once again be with you in mind and in spirit, until I can step into your open arms and wrap my hands around you in a hug. Let them tide you over until you no longer have to miss me.
I know I’m going to piss you off at some point. God knows I have before, so I definitely will again. I’m hard headed, stubborn, but most importantly, when I knows I piss you off the most is when I’m scared.
So ask me if I’m scared, and when I initially say no, let it sink it and ask again a bit later. My fear puts up defenses that make me push you away. My fear is what causes us to argue the most. And I’m not good that letting people see my fears, even you.
When you’re mad at me, remember that I do love you. I wouldn’t have joined in the venture of marriage for anyone but you. It’s not going to be easy. We are both really, really stubborn, and not to outdo you, but I’m probably the more stubborn of the two of us.
When you’re mad at me, take some time to figure yourself out. And then confront me. Do it gently without anger in your voice and my defenses will be lowered. Do it with kindness in your words and an open mind for what I might say.
It’s mostly the little things that anger me, so if I’m mad at you, which is thus causing you to be mad at me, then be patient. I know it’s a virtue for both of us ( that’s sarcasm if you couldn’t read that in there), but do try to be patient with me.
And remember, lastly, when you’re angry with me, I do love you, and I wouldn’t want to be married or on this spectacular journey with anyone else.
I know you’re having a rough time. You always show it in your shoulders. You tense up and don’t move as smoothly as normal. You walk stiffly and don’t talk much. That’s another tell-tale sign. You not talking because you constantly talk to me. You try to seclude yourself, and I’ll let you have some time. But just know, I’m always here.
I’m waiting and listening and biding my time until you’re ready for me. Until you’re ready for me to crawl into the bed with you and wrap my arms around you. Until you’re ready for me to kiss you to make all your fears, worries and doubts go away. I’m always going to be there for you, whether or not I’m in the room.
I’m a text message, a phone call, a Facebook message away.
I’m a breath, a look, a word away.
I’ll do anything you want, anything you need to make you feel better. I’ll do anything necessary to be with even if it means flying across the world. Nothing is beyond the limits.
I’ll hold your hand, I’ll walk with your through life, the thick and thin, I’ll be there with you throughout it all. The good and the bad. I want to be beside you as we go through the ups and downs, as we celebrate our joys and experience our sorrows.
When you need to know I’m there for you, just pick up your phone or look across the room. I’ll be right there.