My heart breaks for you. This isn’t what you wanted or what I wanted. And it is completely out of our hands. Let me hold you, love. Let me hold you while you cry, while you curse, while you run worries around your head so much that you don’t know where to begin with how to fix what you think is broken.
But we are not broken, love.
You are not broken.
I am here for you and with you, through the thick and through the thin, through the hard times and the good times, through the shitty times and the joyous times. I love you, and that is what matters. I love you through our troubles, through our failures, through our struggles, through every moment of this life together.
Take a breath. We’ll be better than okay.
I hope you’re still at the point where venting will help. Vent away, babe. I’m here to listen to you complain about whatever. If you’re not at that point anymore, if you’re being just talking it out, then I’ll snuggle with you, I’ll cuddle with you, I’ll buy you ice cream and watch you play mindless video games that involve a ton of violence.
I just want to make you feel better. I want to make you feel like you’re worth it. I want to make you feel as though someone is always there for you, that you’re emotions are exactly what they are, emotions and you’re entitled to them. You’re allowed to be upset with whatever, you’re allowed to have a bad day here and there, you’ll allowed to feel crappy sometimes. It’s a natural part of life and living.
But I don’t want you to stay there. I want you to get better and to feel better. I want you to move on and toward something else, something that’s better. I want you to feel good about yourself and who you are as a person, the person I love and adore so much.
So if you’re having a bad day, remember tomorrow is a new day, and tomorrow is a brilliant day. When the sun rises in the east, the slate has been wiped clean, and your new day can begin.
I think it’s ironic that on this day, a day I should need a laugh the most, this is the topic I chose months ago. We’re already so in tune! I don’t even know where to begin. I could tell you a few jokes, but they would probably be lame and not as funny as I think they are. Besides, it’s a lot funnier if I get to tell them in person.
If you really want to smirk and giggle at something, remember that time when we were in Montana, and my mom was there, and she put cortisone cream on her toothbrush instead of toothpaste and then proceeded to try and brush her teeth for a few quick seconds? Oh yeah, that was funny.
I know that’s make fun of other people and it’s a bit tasteless, but damn it was funny. I think I had tears in my eyes for like an hour afterward. When you need a laugh, love, go turn on some movie you’ll know I’ll hate because of the type of humor and watch it. In fact, do a marathon of those types of movies. You can use this note as a one-day free pass to watch them in my presence so long as you don’t expect me to pay attention to them as well!
You remember when we first met? I was sitting against the cement wall at Fireside Pies, waiting for you because you were late. Who knew that would be something I should remember about you for the future? Anyway, do you remember it? When I was on the phone talking to Katherine and you were walking up to me in sandals and a button down? Who would have thought that we would be where we are today?
I mean, I never expected to fall so deeply in love with you. I never thought I was capable of such a deep emotion, but you pulled it right out of me. You dragged it out from somewhere, I’ve no idea where, but you found it. I never thought I would fall in love with you. I never thought I would be making a life with you in the middle of nowhere either.
I just never thought of the future quite like the way I do now until I met you. And our future is going to be fantastic, babe. I can’t wait to experience it with you.
Let me know, baby. Let me know and I’ll take care of you. I’ll make you elbows and special soup, and chicken and dumplings (because that’s your thing not mine). I’ll get you medicine and tuck you in. We’ll watch whatever you want to watch on television.
I want you to feel better. You can sleep in the bed too, let me sleep on the couch because I know you don’t want to get me sick too. I’ll tuck you in and make sure you get all better. You need to feel better, baby, because frankly, you’re no fun when you’re sick. But who is really?
By the way, next time you’re not sick, you need to write down the chicken and dumpling recipe so I actually know how to make it.
It’s okay to vent, and I want you to vent, but do remember there’s a time when anger doesn’t do anything for you, when you just have to let it go and not look at it anymore. There comes a time when anger is no longer useful.
You might not be at that time right this very moment, so vent some more. Don’t worry, I’ll tell you when it gets excessive. I want you to be comfortable with being angry. I know you struggle with anger sometimes, but I’ll be there to let you know when it’s too much. And let’s face it, I’m not afraid of being blunt or confronting you about it.
Be angry. You usually have a right to it. Be anger and let it breath into your system, and then let it breath out. You can’t be anger forever. It’s just not who you are. So you need to take a step back and look at what’s happening and see if it’s really something that is worth your time and effort over. If it’s not, then let it go.
Also–if you’re still angry with whomever after reading this note, feel free to tear it to shreds and throw it on the ground or burn it in the grill. I have copies; I saved it! So I can always give it to you again.
I’m so sorry, love. I’m sorry this feeling is taking over you. I don’t know what I can do to help other than cuddle you and hold you close. It’s okay to cry. I really do mean that. It doesn’t make you any less of a person to shed the tears. It’s okay to want to be in solitude as well, just let me know.
Whatever you need, I’ll be right there to give it to you. We’re there for each other. That’s why we entered into this relationship and this marriage.
So when you’re sad, love, come to me. Come and let me wipe away your tears, kiss away your fears, and wrap you in warmth and comfort. We’re there for each other, and I want to be there for you as often as I can.
I’ll listen to whatever is on your heart, and I’ll let you talk it out. If you want to remain in silence until you’re ready to explain, I’ll wait. It’s not a matter of fixing the problem; it’s a matter of letting me be present with you. Take a tissue and wave it in the air like a truce. All else will disappear and nothing will be left by you and me and the moment of being present with each other in whatever we are feeling.
Let me be with you when you’re sad, love. It’s the only thing I ask of you.
It’s very apt that I’m writing this on this particular day. We’ve been married exactly one month today and you are gone for a whole week. I miss you, and I know you miss me. We’ve never had this problem as much now as we did before. Missing you now isn’t like missing you before.
You are my whole life, and I don’t want you to ever think otherwise. You need to continue to be the center of my life. So when you miss me, call me. When you miss me, text me. When you miss me, Facetime me. Let me know just how much you miss me because I guarantee I miss you more.
When you miss me, remember everything fun about when we’re together. Remember how we cuddle and snuggle on the couch in each other’s arms. Remember how I tried to make you get a job so I could have alone time? That’s nothing compared to this. Being gone for days isn’t like being gone for hours.
I miss you, just as much as I’m sure you miss me. We’re too longing hearts, waiting for the other to come back. I never thought we would be as tied together as we are. I’m such an independent person that I thought I could completely go through life without someone else by my side. I truly believed that until I married you. Now…now I’m lost without you. I’m lost when you’re gone. My missing you isn’t simply an ache in my heart, it’s a confusion in my brain. I don’t know where to go when you’re not here.
So think on that, love. Think on that and come back to me soon.