Keeping it real…

I know it’s been awhile since I’ve posted, but I’ve had to take a break from the writing world. It wasn’t willingly, but I had to. Depression hit hard and fast. I think it’s something most people, if not most writers, deal with on a daily basis. Just recently Ned Vizzini killed himself; he was a young adult novelist and television writer. Ned struggled with depression.

So I’ve been depressed. I struggle with depression. It’s a crazy cycle in my life that goes up and down, and I’ve hit a down. Or I had. It took a few weeks to get back to being semi-normal, but I made it–this time. I do often wonder what would happen if I didn’t make it. Or if I spent more time on the down slide than I could actually handle.

Depression is a funny thing. It makes you look at all your failures and suddenly forget about every success. It makes you inadequate to be with anyone or be around anyone–be it friend, family, or significant other. It makes you realize that you are alone in this vast world, and that you are the only one who is alone.

Once depression leaves after it’s stayed vacation, we realize how many lies it told and just how convincing and manipulative it was. But what if depression kept extending its visit to the point where you thought it would never leave? What if depression was that friend you let couch surf for a few nights who never left and three years later you can’t take it anymore? All these questions run through my mind each time depression comes for a vacation, and each time I have no answer.

Throughout my history and battle with kicking depression out, I have written. It’s been a release and a relaxer for me. But this time–this time I couldn’t even fathom writing. I don’t know if it’s because writing has become some form of work or simply because it doesn’t work as a coping mechanism anymore. But it is something that I am missing.

I’m missing the words spilling forth from the subconscious of my brain and onto the computer page in front of me. I’m missing the rush of feelings as I create something so beautiful and amazing (even if the story sucks =P) that I can go back to later and enjoy. I’m missing the release.

Depression has a way of hitting. It’s slow and sneaky but throws a mean punch.

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