Here’s the thing about writing action. You’ve got to be extremely clear about what is going on. That means no extra little words in there, no desperately alliterating on what is happening, and the sentences need to be quite straight-forward and to the point.
I’m currently beta’ing a fanfic piece for a new beta (he hasn’t run away from my yet and my comma craziness). Almost the entire chapter is action scenes. Well, I love actions, so I’m sitting here going yeehaw! but he uses a lot of extra words and not a single comma.
The trick is to make it simple, yet not repetitive. Also, in actiony-like scenes, you’re going to want shorter sentences. No more than 10-12 words. Less compound or simple compound sentences. This keeps the tension high and the reader moving fast. Alliteration in exposition is for that romancey, walking on the beach, pondering about world peace kind of stuff.